Afraid

Daddy and I are going camping in Yosemite. I'm afraid. I was so excited this week, talking thinking and planning for it. Now it's almost time to go and I'm terrified! I packed my bag, Harveys food and helped daddy with getting the things I could lift. I don't know why I'm really afraid and so sad. Today was just so rough on me. Physically I felt lightheaded and nauseated, my body feels ok, my belly hurts every now and then but I'm strong. I came upstairs to brush my teeth and noticed my tummy. It's so flat! I hate it. I lost all of the weight I gained. Today I was back at our pre pregnancy weight. I was so sad. I loved that weight, I loved our round growing belly. I loved to look at it and touch it. I loved thinking about you growing inside there, I loved each movement you made. I only got to experience a few weeks of your sweet movements and they were bliss! I so long to feel you move inside me again. I long to be near you. I'm so sad that your not here, it's so hard being strong always, I'm afraid if I allow myself to fully crack I won't recover. I feel it. I'm not looking forward to very much anymore. Not work, not the holidays, not weddings for friends nothing. We have a weddig next month. I'm terrified to go and I just don't want to. Daddy won't let me stay home though:( I just want you and to be with you. Holidays are filled with family and friends, warm air, lights good food and love. I just feel so out of it like none of that makes me happy anymore. Like doing it woul be to make other people happy or be me being polite. I hate to be rude, but it's so hard to be with people. No one understands the pain I feel, how my heart feels like its outside of my chest and every breeze hurts it, ever small breath makes it shake. It hurts so badly. I never imagined my life being this way. People say to trust in the plan, to have faith etc. I'm so sick of always being faithful and trusting. How about kiss my ars! I just feel abandoned here. How can a loving God do these things? How can he allow babies to be born to mothers who toss them aside and then take my babies away so quickly? What have I done that was so horrible that I deserve to be punished always? Haven't I paid enough? Is it ever enough? Maybe I just think I deserve more than I do. Ugh life is hard, I don't understand it, and sometimes that's the beauty of it, but it's so cruel. I hate it at times. I need to see the goodness, the beauty. Daddy and I are having a hard time finding a support group out here. Someone told us we could start one and help others. we would love to mentor and support others but right now we need help and assistance healing. Life is so weird. I'm going to take a nap before we leave. I'm hoping it will help me some. I feel terrible doing it, daddy's downstairs packing and I'm upstairs napping. He does so much and I feel bad not helping more. He's been helping so very much since I got placed on bed rest and even now. Gosh he's such an amazing husband and daddy. He would have been so wonderful with you. He was so eager to feed you and change you. We loved you and looked forward to every second with you. Daddy bought your brother Harvey a Halloween costume today. He's so cute! He loves buying things for you and Harvey. He's so thoughtful and simply wonderful in every meaning of the word. Daddy got Harvey a referee jersey that says rufferee haha get it ruff?! I love it. Daddy said we can wear jerseys with him;) too cute! Daddy also bought him a swim vest to help him feel more confident and safe in the water. He loves the beach, but is intimidated by pools. We will see how he does with a lake. Our dr said I could take a bath now, so I think that means I can possibly swim!! Could be fun;) I'll need to remember a suit. Now that I know I still fit in my clothes I can pack an old one. My boobs are bigger though. Haha the body is amazing, I just wish mine worked better. Dr gray said today that we had an incompetent cervix and pre term labor, two bad things working against us. I hate that and I hate even more that I couldn't keep you safe and carry you longer. I'm so sorry babies. I honestly tried as hard as I could. I promise you I was amazing at bed rest. Better than I ever expected to be. I even sat down during my showers, and used a bed pan and bed side commode so I wouldn't place pressure on my cervix by walking. We did everything we could. It just didn't work for us and I'm sorry. I wish I could have lived with you longer, I will love you forever until I join you. Your uncle Kenny and aunt Jessica did a really thoughtful thing for mommy. They bought us a beautiful necklace. It has two hearts and engraved on the hearts are your names Grace Madison and Wyatt Rarick. I love it. It was the most thoughtful beautiful thing ever. I don't ever wear jewlery, only my rings daddy gave me and occasionally some simple earrings. But I wear this heart necklace everyday and plan to wear it forever. I love you so much and am so  proud to show the world. We couldn't be happier more proud parents. You are the best ever! Thank you for being in my life and teaching me so much. You taught me to love, to hope, to be too kind to others, to be strong, to relax when needed, and to enjoy just being still. Life goes on around us constantly, but if you have the opportunity to stop and absorb it you should. Breathe in the goodness and the moment because before you know it it could be gone and all you will be left with are memories. Hold onto the ones you love dearly and support them always. Love them when they make you mad, sad or grumpy. Remember to be too patient, and when all else fails simply laugh. 

You make me so happy. I'm sorry I cry on earth a lot, I'm just disappointed in how things ended up and I really miss you. I miss everything about you. The thoughts and excitement of you. The family vacations we planned, the parents, family and friends you won't get to be spoiled by. But know my sweet angels you were beyond loved. You were so loved here on earth, and you showed momma how loved I am. Strangers loved us, family pulled close and brought us love and strength in our minutes of hardship. Our beautiful friend Kelly captured our love for you. We are forever grateful for all the memories we have with you. They will be treasured forever. Papa Steve is making another memory for us for you and I can't wait to see it. 

Thank you for loving me and having me as your momma. It has been a huge blessing even through the pain. 

I love you always and forever