Does God hate me?

Growing up I always really held onto my faith. I hoped in the truth of the bible. I longed for a place better than earth, one filled with love, happiness, and eternal life. I longed for the peace that heaven promised. I carried my hope through years of an abusive upbringing. I tried my hardest to trust, to hope. I remember being about 8. The abuse was bad then, but not it's worst. I remember looking at my children's bible. Jesus loves the little children it read. I remember cursing God, yelling at him. Telling him he was mean, a liar, and that I hated him. In fact I didn't believe in him at all. I really did, but I thought if I told him exactly how I felt he would make my life somehow better. Well I waited 7 more long years before God opened a peaceful path for me. I moved to various states running from cps, hiding my bruises, my broken bones for fear of being killed. I hoped one day she would kill me to end my misery. It didn't happen, instead I suffered day after day. Was this some sick joke? Was this a ploy to make me consider suicide? Would I ever consider taking my own life? If I did would I be stuck in an in between land forever? Luckily when I moved to California things looked up a bit. I've always been a very hard worker whether at school, sports, work, life etc. I always tried my best, always. When I met daddy I felt blessed to have met someone I was proud to be married to. Someone who worked hard in their life to. Someone who with me would live a wonderful life filled with love and happiness, we never needed money as long as we had love and each other. Our road to getting married was rough, I held a lot of resentment, mostly as a result of my childhood. I was intimidated by marriage, I knew so many that failed, and the ones that were not failed we're miserable with wives and husbands constantly at one another's throats. No thank you. Luckily daddy convinced me otherwise. We started trying to get pregnant right away, we were advised by my dr that we needed to do it soon due to my advanced stages of endometriosis. We tried and tried, we had two first trimester miscarriages and mourned for a long time. We tried more, pills, injections, herbs, you name it we did it. When we got pregnant we were so hopeful. Then I feel like God snatched you away. He ruined my happiness, my hopes, my dreams. What is his plan? Why does he need you in heaven more than I need you here on earth? What's his plan? What is he trying to teach me? How can his plan be better than mine was? Ugh I'm so mad at him. What a bully to take both of my beautiful babies, 4 of our babies. I'm not sure what his lesson is here, I don't know If I will ever fully trust him again. How can I? How are so many promises broken? So many of my dreams ruined while others live theirs. I try not to compare myself to others, it will only result in self destruction, but really?! What the heck!!!

Today was long and tedious. I helped daddy all day prepare his packet for his background check. I typed and typed. It's 50+ pages long! It took forever. We ate two meals today which was nice. We needed the food. I guess I'm just grumpy, I'm tired, beyond emotional, and I miss you. I'm so mad that we are home. I'm mad that I'm not pregnant with you. I'm mad that you are in heaven and not safe here with daddy and me. I'm just mad.

With time I might feel differently, but right now today this is the honest truth of how I feel. I feel betrayed. How can I love and honor a God who beats me at every opportunity? Where is his love for me? Grr......

I just miss you so much. I love you more than words can describe, I think of you constantly. You are perfect.