Hello my angels
today was an odd day. Daddy and I really slept in which was really nice. When we woke up we showered and headed to our drs appointment. it was really therapeutic to get everything off my chest that had been bothering me. our dr listened to us closely and was very polite. he made sure we were ok emotionally and physically. he got tears in his eyes thinking about you. we told him about our celebration and we are hopeful he will make it. he said if we decide to carry again that he will help us differently. we are hopeful, but still very cautious. Dr. potter said he doesn't like the idea and that he wouldn't do a transfer for quite some time. that stinks a bit. although we will never forget you ever, we would love to have a sibling to bring home. we are praying for the time to be right and for everything to line up. we are going to look into surrogacy more closely next week. funny enough today we went to st jude to drop off invitations for your party. my old roomie and friend megan had her baby this morning. she is perfect! 33.3 weeks old she weighed 4lbs 14 oz. I am so excited for her and her hubby. we went to visit them and share love and stories, talk about pumping etc. she told us that this am her roomie in recovery had given her baby up for adoption, she didn't want the baby. the nurses thought of us and wanted to tell us, but because of laws couldn't. it got me thinking about that path. what if that had happened? what if they had called us and asked us if we would be willing to adopt this baby that needed a home. they said it would be a smooth transition. i would have done it in a heartbeat, but unfortunately we didn't get a call. that wasn't our plan. we would have been so ready, your room is all set up, we have a car seat, food etc we would have been the perfect parents for that little baby. we would have brought them home and loved them so much and loved them just like they were our own baby. we would have accepted it as the path that was ment to be. it would have been a light in our black tunnel, but it didn't happen:( its weird to feel sad about something not happening that we weren't even planning on but it got me excited again to be a mommy. i so badly want to be a mommy here on earth. i want to hug and kiss our baby. to love them and just watch them grow. i always think about how you would have looked, sounded, what your friends would be like, what faces you would make, what food you would eat and what you would spit out. its amazing how my world changed so quickly. its just not fair. i want my old world back, the one where you are in my belly growing. i see so many women do it why cant i? why cant i have one thing that i want, deserve and have worked so hard for in my life? it just isn't fair at all.
today i was really dizzy, i almost fainted a few times. ive been trying to stay very hydrated but i just felt icky. daddy is out getting things for our trip to yosemite and i couldn't go because i felt so funny. im eager to get on the road and just be with you, harvey and daddy. Im excited to see the beauty outside in yosemite. i pray i feel you with us there. today dr. potter called and asked if i was ready to come back to work. it freaked me out. im not ready to anything. i know he is really eager to have me back, but i cant mentally do it right now. i don't care about money at all i just want to be home as long as possible with you and daddy. i need time to heal and recover emotionally. ive worked my whole life and once i return i will need to continue working. im going to take as much time as i can. our dr agreed with us that we needed time and it was important not to rush into work. we need to work through this, not bury it.
i just miss you and wish you were here. we visited the nicu today and that was rough. i so wish you were there for me to touch again, to smell, to see. gail and eileen were there. we love them. they talked to us for a long time, hugged us a lot and cried. dr hicks even came up to daddy and i and thanked us for our strength. he said it made his job manageable when functional parents showed them hope and love. he said especially during tragedies like ours, it reminded them how special life is and how crucial it is to pull near your loved ones. it made daddy and i feel good knowing that we had somehow helped others in our great sadness. we also talked about how you two touched so many lives in your five short days on earth, they said we will never know the magnitude of what you have done and how many lives you have helped for the better. thats amazing. i am so proud of you and so honored to have been your momma even thought it was much to short. please continue to do wonderful things and be wonderful people in heaven. shower us all with your beauty, love and strength down here. please remind us that life is beautiful and worth living.
we love you so very much my angels.
mommy
today was an odd day. Daddy and I really slept in which was really nice. When we woke up we showered and headed to our drs appointment. it was really therapeutic to get everything off my chest that had been bothering me. our dr listened to us closely and was very polite. he made sure we were ok emotionally and physically. he got tears in his eyes thinking about you. we told him about our celebration and we are hopeful he will make it. he said if we decide to carry again that he will help us differently. we are hopeful, but still very cautious. Dr. potter said he doesn't like the idea and that he wouldn't do a transfer for quite some time. that stinks a bit. although we will never forget you ever, we would love to have a sibling to bring home. we are praying for the time to be right and for everything to line up. we are going to look into surrogacy more closely next week. funny enough today we went to st jude to drop off invitations for your party. my old roomie and friend megan had her baby this morning. she is perfect! 33.3 weeks old she weighed 4lbs 14 oz. I am so excited for her and her hubby. we went to visit them and share love and stories, talk about pumping etc. she told us that this am her roomie in recovery had given her baby up for adoption, she didn't want the baby. the nurses thought of us and wanted to tell us, but because of laws couldn't. it got me thinking about that path. what if that had happened? what if they had called us and asked us if we would be willing to adopt this baby that needed a home. they said it would be a smooth transition. i would have done it in a heartbeat, but unfortunately we didn't get a call. that wasn't our plan. we would have been so ready, your room is all set up, we have a car seat, food etc we would have been the perfect parents for that little baby. we would have brought them home and loved them so much and loved them just like they were our own baby. we would have accepted it as the path that was ment to be. it would have been a light in our black tunnel, but it didn't happen:( its weird to feel sad about something not happening that we weren't even planning on but it got me excited again to be a mommy. i so badly want to be a mommy here on earth. i want to hug and kiss our baby. to love them and just watch them grow. i always think about how you would have looked, sounded, what your friends would be like, what faces you would make, what food you would eat and what you would spit out. its amazing how my world changed so quickly. its just not fair. i want my old world back, the one where you are in my belly growing. i see so many women do it why cant i? why cant i have one thing that i want, deserve and have worked so hard for in my life? it just isn't fair at all.
today i was really dizzy, i almost fainted a few times. ive been trying to stay very hydrated but i just felt icky. daddy is out getting things for our trip to yosemite and i couldn't go because i felt so funny. im eager to get on the road and just be with you, harvey and daddy. Im excited to see the beauty outside in yosemite. i pray i feel you with us there. today dr. potter called and asked if i was ready to come back to work. it freaked me out. im not ready to anything. i know he is really eager to have me back, but i cant mentally do it right now. i don't care about money at all i just want to be home as long as possible with you and daddy. i need time to heal and recover emotionally. ive worked my whole life and once i return i will need to continue working. im going to take as much time as i can. our dr agreed with us that we needed time and it was important not to rush into work. we need to work through this, not bury it.
i just miss you and wish you were here. we visited the nicu today and that was rough. i so wish you were there for me to touch again, to smell, to see. gail and eileen were there. we love them. they talked to us for a long time, hugged us a lot and cried. dr hicks even came up to daddy and i and thanked us for our strength. he said it made his job manageable when functional parents showed them hope and love. he said especially during tragedies like ours, it reminded them how special life is and how crucial it is to pull near your loved ones. it made daddy and i feel good knowing that we had somehow helped others in our great sadness. we also talked about how you two touched so many lives in your five short days on earth, they said we will never know the magnitude of what you have done and how many lives you have helped for the better. thats amazing. i am so proud of you and so honored to have been your momma even thought it was much to short. please continue to do wonderful things and be wonderful people in heaven. shower us all with your beauty, love and strength down here. please remind us that life is beautiful and worth living.
we love you so very much my angels.
mommy
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