Today daddy and I got to bring you home. It was not at all the homecoming we invisioned. Life is so not normal anymore. Everything hurts, badly. My insides feel like they are being torn out, I feel ok for a minute, and the next I'm crying uncontrollably. I miss you so badly, each day that passes I think gosh we would have been 27 weeks today, why couldn't we have made it here, I think thoughts like I shouldn't be home, I should be in the hospital still. I long to be on bed rest again with you safe, growing inside me. I hate my reality, and I so badly wish I could go back to when you were here with me, with us. I hurt so much, I don't think this pain will ever ease, and in a way I don't want it to. The pain reminds me that it's all real, that I'm not in a coma somewhere, it forces me to livemmy nightmare, my biggest fears now my reality.
I feel sad, and mad today. I haven't felt mad yet, but today I'm really mad. I'm so mad that you aren't here, I'm grumpy because so many people have kids and don't want them, or love them, or nurture them. I'm mad because the only dream I've ever had in life was being a mom. A great mom. I didn't dream of getting married, I never dreamed of having an amazing job or being wealthy, those things didn't create my happiness. When I met daddy I still didn't dream of being married, I was excited to have met the most amazing person in the world, but I thought if you truly loved someone enough marriage didn't matter. We got married for many reasons, but for me we got married because it was important to daddy and his family. I would have been happy spending the rest of my life with daddy forever, which I hope I will;) having kids, having you has always been my biggest hope. I wanted to prove to the universe that I could be a wonderful mother, that I could break the cycle and do better than what had been done for me. Every parents goal I'm sure. I was serious, I always babysat, helped with my brothers, and loved kids. When we got pregnant the first time daddy and I were so excited, ironically I miscarried on mothers day! That stunk. Our second pregnancy we conceived the day a patient I was close to passed away. I know this because we timmed the treatment for that day since I had ovulated, and that morning on our way to the dr I was called from work with the update. We got pregnant and daddy and I were very cautiously excited. I only told work because I needed to stop hanging chemotherapy, it causes miscarriages and malformations. A few weeks later I started spotting, then cramping, and then we lost you. After that I was mad, livid, I compared myself to everyone, I was so mad at how people treated their kids, I was mad that God took you away from us, I was mad that no matter how hard I tried in life I always seemed to be punished, always, since birth. I was so mad, I yelled at God, I went through phases where I wouldn't talk to him, I told him he was rude and never looked out for me. If his children are his sheep where was he in my life. Missing? Not very many people understood me, most people looked at me with disquest how could I possibly be mad at God, those people usually had perfect lives. I on the other hand was planted in a pile of poop, and miraculously came out an ok flower. I knew God was big enough to handle my anger, hes the one who gave me my emotions. I think it helped my relationship with him. We were able to grow past that time. A year later, a lot of money spent, a long road of procedures, and more hope than ever we got pregnant with you. When we found out we were having twins we felt beyond blessed. We knew your sweet names, we knew what we wanted your nursery to look like, we knew what we wanted to register for, we knew what car seats we wanted. We wanted the best for you both. Gosh we were so very excited. Honestly we were very terrified too. After losing two babies before you I always had a gut feeling something terrible would happen. I had faith, and hope, and I tried harder than ive ever tried at keeping you safe, but in the end my heart was shattered, worse than before.
We were afraid until 12 weeks, then the risk of miscarriage went down considerably. We didn't even share you with family and friends until we were 15 weeks pregnant. We were so nervous. We contemplated sharing that we were having twins, we were so afraid. Then At 17 weeks we got placed on bed rest, terrified again. Daddy and I cried and cried. 17 weeks was our furthest pregnancy yet. We loved you both so much already and were grief stricken at the thought of losing you. At 18 weeks I was hospitalized, we took medication to stop contractions and discussed a cerclage. We didn't get one, I rack my brain wondering if that might have helped me carry you longer. It kills me. My friend got one with her twin boys and she's 29 weeks now. I know I can't change the past but my heart is broken and I hurt, so why not beat myself up a bit more right? Ugh I was on bed rest for so long. I never complained, I smiled, I was so polite to everyone, the doctors, the nurses, the volunteers, the dietary people. I knew all their names and always thanked them for everything. I thanked daddy endlessly, I thanked visitors, friends who sent cards, texts etc. I stayed as positive as possible, I read a lot, I napped, I only stood to be weighed and to walk to the bathroom. I sat in the shower, and I leaned forward to eat. I did everything possible to help you grow, and then all our hopes, dreams, hard work dismissed. My life a mess, my everything gone. Life can never be the same. I will never have a carefree pregnancy, how can I hope or trust in bed rest ever again? How can I go back to work in a fertility office and answer my patients questions? How will I learn to breathe again? I feel like my chest might explode.
Most people don't understand the grieving process, most people haven't lost a child, or children. People expect you to grieve and move on. To go out to restaurants with them, to watch a movie, to attend a party, a wedding, a family vacation. I want to die. To crawl into my bed turn the lights off and hibernate forever. I can barely concentrate. I can't watch tv or a movie my mind is empty. I can't work, I'm not ready to think or deal with people. I lost my hope how can I possibly hope for someone else? Parties and weddings freak me out. I have so much anxiety in groups now. Last night at dinner with my parents I needed a time out. It was nice but too much, my chest got tight and I thought I was going to puke. Family vacations also scare me, I can't imagine leaving my house. Every holiday coming up will be salt in my bloody heart reminding me that my babies are gone, that this is the first of many holidays without you. Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday will ultimately remind me that I'm not thankful that my sweet babies were taken from me, I should still be in the hospital with them. Christmas, my second favorite holiday, will remind me that they should have been home with us. They should have been safe. Ugh holidays will be hard. I don't want to be completely anti social, but do people honestly expect you to move on that quickly? I can't even if I try.
Today was rough. We went to the funeral home to pick you up. They had you in a beautiful wooden box. They opened it and daddy and I lost it. You ashes we're so small. We know it's what you left on earth but it broke our hearts. We held each other and wept for you. I hated being there, I was suddenly mad, I wanted to leave right then. To bring you home to finally be home with us. On the way home I was more mad, how dare you be gone, why you? Why us? I grew up with heartache, tragic endings, and frequent upsets. I felt like I was the unwanted child, like God purposely punished me, so I wasn't shocked when you were taken. What made me maddder than anything was your inncocent dad. The kindest, most thoughtful person in the world now suffering because of my bad luck! I was so mad, how dare he feel this pain, how dare a person as wonderful as him hurt, have his heart put in a meat processor and be ground. I couldn't protect him. Daddy reassured me that nothing in life deserved this, no one deserved to lose a child or feel this pain, and that we are in it together.
He's so sweet. See even when I'm all grumpy mad pants he's loving me. He's been a hot stressed mess. He's working on a 50 page packet for the Newport beach fire department, and they ask everything!!! I've been trying to help him, but he gets a bit grumpy and then i cry. We are a true wreck. We just have so much on our plates right now. I guess I'm mad also because this Newport beach background check couldn't have come at a worse time, in the midst of our great sadness. When we should be focusing on you, life, us, grieving, tying our house up were stuck finding daddies life long history. Blah. Just awful. I pray it's worth it, nothing really seems worth it anymore.
I pray for strength, I pray tomorrow is better than today, I pray for a smidge of hope, and for peace. I love and miss you so much. I wish I could visit you hand hang out with you.
I love you my sweet Grace & Wyatt
I feel sad, and mad today. I haven't felt mad yet, but today I'm really mad. I'm so mad that you aren't here, I'm grumpy because so many people have kids and don't want them, or love them, or nurture them. I'm mad because the only dream I've ever had in life was being a mom. A great mom. I didn't dream of getting married, I never dreamed of having an amazing job or being wealthy, those things didn't create my happiness. When I met daddy I still didn't dream of being married, I was excited to have met the most amazing person in the world, but I thought if you truly loved someone enough marriage didn't matter. We got married for many reasons, but for me we got married because it was important to daddy and his family. I would have been happy spending the rest of my life with daddy forever, which I hope I will;) having kids, having you has always been my biggest hope. I wanted to prove to the universe that I could be a wonderful mother, that I could break the cycle and do better than what had been done for me. Every parents goal I'm sure. I was serious, I always babysat, helped with my brothers, and loved kids. When we got pregnant the first time daddy and I were so excited, ironically I miscarried on mothers day! That stunk. Our second pregnancy we conceived the day a patient I was close to passed away. I know this because we timmed the treatment for that day since I had ovulated, and that morning on our way to the dr I was called from work with the update. We got pregnant and daddy and I were very cautiously excited. I only told work because I needed to stop hanging chemotherapy, it causes miscarriages and malformations. A few weeks later I started spotting, then cramping, and then we lost you. After that I was mad, livid, I compared myself to everyone, I was so mad at how people treated their kids, I was mad that God took you away from us, I was mad that no matter how hard I tried in life I always seemed to be punished, always, since birth. I was so mad, I yelled at God, I went through phases where I wouldn't talk to him, I told him he was rude and never looked out for me. If his children are his sheep where was he in my life. Missing? Not very many people understood me, most people looked at me with disquest how could I possibly be mad at God, those people usually had perfect lives. I on the other hand was planted in a pile of poop, and miraculously came out an ok flower. I knew God was big enough to handle my anger, hes the one who gave me my emotions. I think it helped my relationship with him. We were able to grow past that time. A year later, a lot of money spent, a long road of procedures, and more hope than ever we got pregnant with you. When we found out we were having twins we felt beyond blessed. We knew your sweet names, we knew what we wanted your nursery to look like, we knew what we wanted to register for, we knew what car seats we wanted. We wanted the best for you both. Gosh we were so very excited. Honestly we were very terrified too. After losing two babies before you I always had a gut feeling something terrible would happen. I had faith, and hope, and I tried harder than ive ever tried at keeping you safe, but in the end my heart was shattered, worse than before.
We were afraid until 12 weeks, then the risk of miscarriage went down considerably. We didn't even share you with family and friends until we were 15 weeks pregnant. We were so nervous. We contemplated sharing that we were having twins, we were so afraid. Then At 17 weeks we got placed on bed rest, terrified again. Daddy and I cried and cried. 17 weeks was our furthest pregnancy yet. We loved you both so much already and were grief stricken at the thought of losing you. At 18 weeks I was hospitalized, we took medication to stop contractions and discussed a cerclage. We didn't get one, I rack my brain wondering if that might have helped me carry you longer. It kills me. My friend got one with her twin boys and she's 29 weeks now. I know I can't change the past but my heart is broken and I hurt, so why not beat myself up a bit more right? Ugh I was on bed rest for so long. I never complained, I smiled, I was so polite to everyone, the doctors, the nurses, the volunteers, the dietary people. I knew all their names and always thanked them for everything. I thanked daddy endlessly, I thanked visitors, friends who sent cards, texts etc. I stayed as positive as possible, I read a lot, I napped, I only stood to be weighed and to walk to the bathroom. I sat in the shower, and I leaned forward to eat. I did everything possible to help you grow, and then all our hopes, dreams, hard work dismissed. My life a mess, my everything gone. Life can never be the same. I will never have a carefree pregnancy, how can I hope or trust in bed rest ever again? How can I go back to work in a fertility office and answer my patients questions? How will I learn to breathe again? I feel like my chest might explode.
Most people don't understand the grieving process, most people haven't lost a child, or children. People expect you to grieve and move on. To go out to restaurants with them, to watch a movie, to attend a party, a wedding, a family vacation. I want to die. To crawl into my bed turn the lights off and hibernate forever. I can barely concentrate. I can't watch tv or a movie my mind is empty. I can't work, I'm not ready to think or deal with people. I lost my hope how can I possibly hope for someone else? Parties and weddings freak me out. I have so much anxiety in groups now. Last night at dinner with my parents I needed a time out. It was nice but too much, my chest got tight and I thought I was going to puke. Family vacations also scare me, I can't imagine leaving my house. Every holiday coming up will be salt in my bloody heart reminding me that my babies are gone, that this is the first of many holidays without you. Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday will ultimately remind me that I'm not thankful that my sweet babies were taken from me, I should still be in the hospital with them. Christmas, my second favorite holiday, will remind me that they should have been home with us. They should have been safe. Ugh holidays will be hard. I don't want to be completely anti social, but do people honestly expect you to move on that quickly? I can't even if I try.
Today was rough. We went to the funeral home to pick you up. They had you in a beautiful wooden box. They opened it and daddy and I lost it. You ashes we're so small. We know it's what you left on earth but it broke our hearts. We held each other and wept for you. I hated being there, I was suddenly mad, I wanted to leave right then. To bring you home to finally be home with us. On the way home I was more mad, how dare you be gone, why you? Why us? I grew up with heartache, tragic endings, and frequent upsets. I felt like I was the unwanted child, like God purposely punished me, so I wasn't shocked when you were taken. What made me maddder than anything was your inncocent dad. The kindest, most thoughtful person in the world now suffering because of my bad luck! I was so mad, how dare he feel this pain, how dare a person as wonderful as him hurt, have his heart put in a meat processor and be ground. I couldn't protect him. Daddy reassured me that nothing in life deserved this, no one deserved to lose a child or feel this pain, and that we are in it together.
He's so sweet. See even when I'm all grumpy mad pants he's loving me. He's been a hot stressed mess. He's working on a 50 page packet for the Newport beach fire department, and they ask everything!!! I've been trying to help him, but he gets a bit grumpy and then i cry. We are a true wreck. We just have so much on our plates right now. I guess I'm mad also because this Newport beach background check couldn't have come at a worse time, in the midst of our great sadness. When we should be focusing on you, life, us, grieving, tying our house up were stuck finding daddies life long history. Blah. Just awful. I pray it's worth it, nothing really seems worth it anymore.
I pray for strength, I pray tomorrow is better than today, I pray for a smidge of hope, and for peace. I love and miss you so much. I wish I could visit you hand hang out with you.
I love you my sweet Grace & Wyatt
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