Decisions

Making decisions has always been my biggest weakness. I always have a really hard time doing it. I am always worried its the wrong decision, that I am going to make a big mistake and regret it for the rest of my life. I always beg for help in all of the bigger decisions I make and also sometimes for the small ones too. Sometimes I need help picking what shoes to wear, what shirt, what color to paint my nails, what job to take, school to attend, how to spend my time on days off. I need help. Tonight Daddy and I talked about the decision to say good bye to you. It was the hardest decision either of us have ever had to make. It would be hard enough making it if we were 80 years old, and it was us in your role. If we were only being kept alive by life support, if we were suffering. We know what we wish to happen if that were us in our lives, but you were innocent babies, babies who just entered the world, babies who were supposed to grow up, go to school and touch lives. You certainly touched many lives in your short five days with us. I am still amazed at the graciousness of people from all over the world who prayed for you, Daddy and me. I am in awe at the generous donations we received. The well wishes, the hopefulness. I am grateful everyday for the texts I receive, texts saying we are loved, and in others thoughts, texts that do not require a reply back, texts that simply aim to lift our spirits and calm our pained hearts. We are so blessed. Daddy and I don't regret the decision we made, we just wish we didn't have to make it. No parent should ever lose their child, or in our case children. No parent should ever need to make the decision to discontinue life support or allow their baby to suffer. Never in a million years did I ever think I would need to make that decision. Daddy and I have talked about our own directives and what we would like done if we are ever in a similar situation. We have talked and respect our choices. We didn't get to ask you. We had to decide. We had to make the best decisions for you with the information we had. We had to think of your futures and what you would need. Keeping you here was the easy part. We knew in keeping you here it was selfish, simply for us. We knew you were suffering. My sweet babies we saw how hard you fought to live and we wanted so badly to take your pain away. My sweet Wyatt, after your brain bleed you had seizures, it was so hard to watch your sweet body shake, and posture. I wanted to protect you so badly and there I stood watching you with nothing left to do, but ask that you be kept comfortable. Grace, your poor lungs were not working, your brain was also filled with blood, and you fought all the time. Your heart rate would jump through the roof and we knew you were hurting. We asked that you be comforted also. The choice was so hard. We prayed and we held each other. We leaned on each other for comfort and for support. Thankfully Daddy and I never disagreed in your care. We had everything planned out for you since before your conception. We knew how we hoped to raise you, what schooling we wanted you to have, places we wanted to live with you, we thought all the time about what sports you would like, what your friends would be like, what hobbies you would have. We dreamt of what you would look like, would you have my skin color or daddies, what would your eyes look like...we thought of everything. We have so much stuff for you. Daddy had your room almost done, we had your bed set up, your closet, we had all of your clothes washed ready for you. We have 100+ cloth diapers for you, because we knew we wanted to cloth diaper you. We have strollers, car seats for both my car and Daddy's, a swing, an exersaucer, a glider, you name it we have it. Its so hard watching it all go into boxes. Daddy and I hope one day we will have siblings for you and when we do we plan to tell them all about you, how wonderful and lovely you were, how you wanted to share all of your things with them because you loved them so much. I know they will feel very special. Daddy and I packed up most of your stuff, we are labeling the boxes with your names "Grace" and "Wyatt". We miss you so much. We can't believe this. We both feel weird at home. Although our house was never filled with you running around, it was filled with the excitement and hope of bringing you home one day. Those dreams are shattered and we are left in a house filled with lost dreams. We all seem to mope around with no direction or cause. We walk into rooms forgetting what we wanted. I stayed in my bedroom 90% of the day today. I couldn't leave. I slept and slept. I held your dolls and rested. Daddy brought me lunch into the bed, and fresh water, he didn't force me to get up or move around, he simply held me and wept with me. Thank goodness for canned food. I was able to make tomato soup and quesadillas for dinner. Anything more would have been too overwhelming and we would have refused dinner. Fruit popsicles seem to be the one thing we enjoy eating. We usually have about two daily. 

blah I hate making decisions. I am trying to decide now where to work when I decide to go back to work. I feel like my drive is gone, my balloon deflated. I have no air to do anything. I need to though, I need to work to survive, I just am not ready to. I am praying for God to open doors and opportunities for me. For us as a family. God is doing amazing things in our lives. Its hard to think about a future when our present is so dark and so gloomy, but I have to hope that this life will get better. I need to hope to move forward. Daddy and I love you both more than anything in the world. 

we miss you so much. 

 here I am forcing a smile for Daddy, Harvey definitely senses something is wrong. He is very clingy and looks so sad:(