Good morning my angels,
Last night was a rough night to say the very least. I hope you were able to sleep some in my belly;) I maybe slept for 30 minutes. Right when I found a comfortable spot and relaxed my mind and body enough to rest my nurse came in and said ok honey get up and go pee. I've never in my life been one who needs to be told to pee, I always feel the urge and go. I'm actually probably over sensitive to it. Anyway I knew immediately that something was wrong for her to get me up, I said they are still there aren't they. She confirmed that yes, despite the three doses of procardia I continued to contract and have a very irritable unterus. I wanted daddy to be here with us so bad. I was crying and over exhausted. I was grumpy at my body that always seemed to fight against me. I love my body, I put good quality foods into it, I rub coconut lotion on my body's shell, my skin to keep it smooth and soft. I exercise to keep my heart and lungs healthy. I am good to myself. My body... Not so much on the kind return. Once I got a period the pain was severe, after years of crumpling to the floor in a mess papa Steve took me into the drs. Our pediatrician. I recall being huge! Half of my body fit on her table. She recommended the pill to help with the pain. Years later when I was in college at long beach state I saw a dr who found a large mass in my abdomen. Turned out to be a large cyst. They removed it immediately and upon doing so found the culprit to all my pain. Endometriosis! A terrible case and sad to have that diagnosis as a young 18 year old. The pain and cysts continued to follow me through the years. I had multiple surgeries to remove them and also remove the endometriosis. Not the ideal childhood period story but it was my reality.
Getting pregnant, in my thoughts I always thought it would be special, sweet, intimate, in the comfort of our home with just daddy and myself. Then the thoughts of taking a pregnancy test, feeling the excitement course through my body as the words pregnant appear on the test. The joyful thought of sharing the news with daddy of us going to my first appointment together and everyone after that. Of my belly swelling to unimaginable proportions, to me getting smiles and questions in the supermarket, to the hands that joyfully jump out and land upon my belly, to the day I go into labor, the pain, the joy and excitement, the hospital and doctors... Then daddy coaching me through your delivery and then seeing your beautiful faces for the first time. Holding you, kissing you, never letting go for a second. Washing you, feeding you and then taking you home in my arms and daddy's arms to our house where you will continue to be loved and grow daily.
Reality was endless months of heartbreak undergoing fertility treatments, hundreds of dollars spent on medications, dr visits, blood tests. Hoping more than ever and then being completely devastated month after month when we got negative pregnancy tests or when we did get pregnant only having the opportunity and joy to carry you a few weeks before you went to heaven. The thought of ivf, the cost, the strict daily tasks, the fear of not having good quality eggs because Of the endometriosis that raided my body, the fear of having nothing fertilize of transferring embryos and none taking. So many fears. Then the waiting, waiting for our first blood test, waiting for that first ultrasound, waiting to make it through the first trimester and then the second. Reality getting placed on bed rest at 17 weeks, being terrified about my cervical length, about your safety, your growth, the thought of you coming early. Thoughts of me delivering here in the hospital alone without daddy by my side, thoughts of you being to small to live, or thoughts of you living and starting life in the nicu, with tubes in your sweet mouth to help you breathe, tubes in your nose to feed you, heat lamps around you to regulate your temperature, bandages on your eyes because they are not yet formed. The reality of bed rest, of not getting to show the world my round tummy, to my daily interactions being mainly with hospital personal. Those thoughts make me so sad, anxious and helpless. As a parent your main function in life is to love, nurture and protect your babies and I felt like I couldn't even do that. I felt like you two are being so strong and fighting so hard but that mommy couldn't fight with you. Mentally I am, I will always, physically my body seems to be attacking me at every turn. An uphill climb without water and I'm struggling with each step. I promise I will fight for you and with you. Forever. You are My sweet babies and I love you. We can do this!! I promise never to give up, I can't promise there will be days when I feel like I can't continue but on those days I promise to find peace in my faith and learn to cope better for you.
Our day nurse reminds me a lot of your auntie heather. I text her this morning to tell her that. She wrote me a nice email about the prayer she said for us today on her way to work. her prayer was about gods timing, how days, minutes and seconds are irrelevant to him, but to us they are so crucial. She prayed for your time here with us. I too pray for your time with us. I can't imagine life without you two in it! There are so many people waiting to meet you when the time is right. So much love!!
I pray for you today and everyday. Keep doing a good job growing strong and moving around. Love eachother always and believe;) although this wasn't the idea I had in mind, it's our reality and I love you nonetheless. We just need to work harder at keeping you safe. I love you sweet hearts!
Mommy
Last night was a rough night to say the very least. I hope you were able to sleep some in my belly;) I maybe slept for 30 minutes. Right when I found a comfortable spot and relaxed my mind and body enough to rest my nurse came in and said ok honey get up and go pee. I've never in my life been one who needs to be told to pee, I always feel the urge and go. I'm actually probably over sensitive to it. Anyway I knew immediately that something was wrong for her to get me up, I said they are still there aren't they. She confirmed that yes, despite the three doses of procardia I continued to contract and have a very irritable unterus. I wanted daddy to be here with us so bad. I was crying and over exhausted. I was grumpy at my body that always seemed to fight against me. I love my body, I put good quality foods into it, I rub coconut lotion on my body's shell, my skin to keep it smooth and soft. I exercise to keep my heart and lungs healthy. I am good to myself. My body... Not so much on the kind return. Once I got a period the pain was severe, after years of crumpling to the floor in a mess papa Steve took me into the drs. Our pediatrician. I recall being huge! Half of my body fit on her table. She recommended the pill to help with the pain. Years later when I was in college at long beach state I saw a dr who found a large mass in my abdomen. Turned out to be a large cyst. They removed it immediately and upon doing so found the culprit to all my pain. Endometriosis! A terrible case and sad to have that diagnosis as a young 18 year old. The pain and cysts continued to follow me through the years. I had multiple surgeries to remove them and also remove the endometriosis. Not the ideal childhood period story but it was my reality.
Getting pregnant, in my thoughts I always thought it would be special, sweet, intimate, in the comfort of our home with just daddy and myself. Then the thoughts of taking a pregnancy test, feeling the excitement course through my body as the words pregnant appear on the test. The joyful thought of sharing the news with daddy of us going to my first appointment together and everyone after that. Of my belly swelling to unimaginable proportions, to me getting smiles and questions in the supermarket, to the hands that joyfully jump out and land upon my belly, to the day I go into labor, the pain, the joy and excitement, the hospital and doctors... Then daddy coaching me through your delivery and then seeing your beautiful faces for the first time. Holding you, kissing you, never letting go for a second. Washing you, feeding you and then taking you home in my arms and daddy's arms to our house where you will continue to be loved and grow daily.
Reality was endless months of heartbreak undergoing fertility treatments, hundreds of dollars spent on medications, dr visits, blood tests. Hoping more than ever and then being completely devastated month after month when we got negative pregnancy tests or when we did get pregnant only having the opportunity and joy to carry you a few weeks before you went to heaven. The thought of ivf, the cost, the strict daily tasks, the fear of not having good quality eggs because Of the endometriosis that raided my body, the fear of having nothing fertilize of transferring embryos and none taking. So many fears. Then the waiting, waiting for our first blood test, waiting for that first ultrasound, waiting to make it through the first trimester and then the second. Reality getting placed on bed rest at 17 weeks, being terrified about my cervical length, about your safety, your growth, the thought of you coming early. Thoughts of me delivering here in the hospital alone without daddy by my side, thoughts of you being to small to live, or thoughts of you living and starting life in the nicu, with tubes in your sweet mouth to help you breathe, tubes in your nose to feed you, heat lamps around you to regulate your temperature, bandages on your eyes because they are not yet formed. The reality of bed rest, of not getting to show the world my round tummy, to my daily interactions being mainly with hospital personal. Those thoughts make me so sad, anxious and helpless. As a parent your main function in life is to love, nurture and protect your babies and I felt like I couldn't even do that. I felt like you two are being so strong and fighting so hard but that mommy couldn't fight with you. Mentally I am, I will always, physically my body seems to be attacking me at every turn. An uphill climb without water and I'm struggling with each step. I promise I will fight for you and with you. Forever. You are My sweet babies and I love you. We can do this!! I promise never to give up, I can't promise there will be days when I feel like I can't continue but on those days I promise to find peace in my faith and learn to cope better for you.
Our day nurse reminds me a lot of your auntie heather. I text her this morning to tell her that. She wrote me a nice email about the prayer she said for us today on her way to work. her prayer was about gods timing, how days, minutes and seconds are irrelevant to him, but to us they are so crucial. She prayed for your time here with us. I too pray for your time with us. I can't imagine life without you two in it! There are so many people waiting to meet you when the time is right. So much love!!
I pray for you today and everyday. Keep doing a good job growing strong and moving around. Love eachother always and believe;) although this wasn't the idea I had in mind, it's our reality and I love you nonetheless. We just need to work harder at keeping you safe. I love you sweet hearts!
Mommy
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